Joel McHale is a Theif and John Edwards is a Fuck Face
Posted on May 15, 2008
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Beyond that…What’s going on with you guys?
Seriously though, Joel McHale has been referring to David Archuleta as “Moncheechee” which is what I have been calling him since January. The bastard producers of Talk Soup have been reading my gosh darn blog and STEALING my moniker for Archuleta. Okay, I don’t know for a fact that they stole it from me…But my sister thinks that they did. So there.
I refuse to explain as to why John Edwards is a fuck face. I think you know why.
In other news, Syesha has finally been voted off of American Idol and the final two contestants are David “Moncheechee” Archuleta and David “My brother has Cancer” Cooke. Who will win? I really thought that Cooke’s “Judge’s Choice” performance was one of the BEST performances I have ever seen on American Idol. Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhpcHVCNkOk
I am hosting a benefit show tonight at Diesel in the South Side at 8PM. The benefits from the show are going to The Father Ryan Arts Center in McKees Rocks. I think tickets are $10 or $15…I’m not really sure. Point being, I have to tell jokes in front of Priests and Nuns. Seriously. Father Ryan is going to be there and so will the lovely Nuns who assist him. For those of you who have seen my material I’m sure that you can understand why I have been vomitting blood all day and for those of you who haven’t seen my material…I hate you!
Okay, that’s all I got for today. Peace-out.
Broken Promises
Posted on May 14, 2008
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I didn’t wake up early to blog like I said that I would. I suck. Sorry. I had a show last night at The Brillobox and I was up until really late and I lost one of my sleeping pills on the floor and somebody kidnapped my little brother and then my laptop was stolen and then returned. Really, you guys. It was a weird night. In other news, I want to thank everyone who came out last night to support Underground Comedy Night at The Brillobox. It was a lot of fun. Thanks to all of the performers who worked for FREE. The energy of the room was fantastic! Thank you Jesus! I also want to give a “shout-out” to Tony for ALWAYS reading the blog. I love you too!
Someone Actually Reads This Shizz…
Posted on May 13, 2008
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So I had a show this past Saturday at Slapsticks Comedy loft. I had been promoting the show on my blog for a few days last week. I never really expected anyone to come to the show who had read about it on my blog. I generally assume that the only people who read this shit are my mom, my sister, two of my brothers, a guy I met at a Dawson’s Creek fan club, Neal Rosenblat (the guy who designed the blog), my shrink and maybe a couple other local bloggers. I never imagined in a million years that someone would look at my blog and use the information on it to form their weekend plans. Anyway, the “readers” of my blog made up 1/3 of the audience. That’s right, mother-fuckers…1/3 of the audience were fans o’ mine! Granted, we only had 6 people in the audience but whatever…It’s still bad ass! Although, the only hecklers in the audience were my readers. Why did you guys have to do that? You made me look bad in front of the other comics. Plus, my reader’s wife ruined my favorite punchline of all of my jokes! I forgive you though. You seemed drunk (because you fucking needed to be to watch that show) and you seemed wacked out on my mom’s mescaline. All in all, it was a fun night. Mostly because you guys showed up and helped to make an audience. If you comment on my blog then I will hook you up with free tickets for a different show. Thanks again for coming. In other news, my duties at work have changed and now I don’t have all day to sit around and create blog magic. Don’t worry faithful readers, I will start waking up extra early to provide you with all of the late-breaking American Idol news. Don’t forget tonight: FREE COMEDY SHOW @ THE BRILLOBOX (4104 Penn Avenue)9PMFor more information call: 412-621-4900
I Think the Bowl Appetit Diet is Killing Me…
Posted on May 9, 2008
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I’ve been eating the Herb Chicken and Vegetable Rice bowl all week. The bowl contains 780mg of sodium. I’m pretty sure my heart is enlarged…This may be the end, y’all (not to be over-dramatic or anything). I know that you are asking yourselves, “Gab, why didn’t you just pack sandwiches made of luncheon meat all week?”. That is a very good question. I do love luncheon meat. Well, the answer is pure and simple laziness. There is virtually zero prep with the bowl appetit diet. You add a little water and stick the bowl in the microwave for 5 minutes and you have warm, salty rice just like mom used to make when she was wacked out on paint thinner…Oh, the memories.
In other news, here is an interesting Pro-Hillary Op-ed piece from the NY Times today:
Hey you guys…I’m serious about the salt thing. I feel woozy. My grandpa died from an enlarged heart. Sure he lived on a diet of SPAM, but so what? I am sweaty and dizzy. My left pupil has become crescent-shaped. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Don’t you guys worry or anything. I’m going to be OK.
So provided that I survive the day, don’t forget the big comedy show tomorrow night!
SLAPSTICKS COMEDY LOFT (2660 Library Rd. Rt 88)
UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY NIGHT
8PM
STARRING:
MITCH MEKULSIA
MO MOZUCH
GREG GERKIN
SEAN RUSH
AND MY ASS
TICKETS ARE $10/PERSON $12/PAIR OF TICKETS
FOR MORE INFO CALL: 412.920.JOKE
Damn, I Was Wrong…
Posted on May 8, 2008
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Jason Castro was voted off of American Idol last night. I am pretty surprised because he seemed to have a large fan base due to the fact that he’s mother-fucking hot as hell. It’s nice to see that hormones aren’t ruining the competition because had he made it to the Top Three…YIKES. Castro being in the Top Three would be as bad, if not worse, than Nikki McKibbin being in the Top Three. Remember her? Season 1-Rocker? Maybe this will refresh your memory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9rwnYR4PI0
Yeah, she freaking sucked. Anyway, I’m sure Castro will have a fine career being a poser stoner. It did wonders for Keanu Reeves’ career…
In other news, Mario was voted off of Dancing with the Stars! What’s that? You don’t care? Oh. Never mind then…
How about this shit? The Heath Ledger “Joker” action figure is SOLD OUT! It’s true. Read about it yourself:
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/movies/a95429/ledger-batman-doll-sells-out-in-us.html
I’m such an asshole. First of all, I love action figures. Second of all, I love dead people. I didn’t even know they were selling this shit yet. Great! Now I’m going to have to buy one off of Ebay or some shit. Okay, here’s the deal…If any of you bitches have one of these Heath Ledger dolls I would like to buy it from you for $12 and three jokes. What do you say? Post a comment if you want to make a deal.
Over on the Planet Earth….Don Rickles turns 82 years old today! Happy Birthday, Donny-boy! I don’t know if yinz know this, but Don Rickles is the first comic I watched who made me want to become a comedian. I was watching an old SNL episode and he was the host. He insulted every person sitting in the front row and I had never seen anything so funny in my entire life. I turned to my Mom (who was wacked out on mescaline) and I said, “Mommy I want to be that guy when I grow up” and she said, “this water is sandy”. In honor of Don’s birthday today, I am including a link to one of his performances on The Dean Martin Roasts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH23UjMG5wQ&feature=related
God, is he funny…And horribly racist. In the oldey timey days, comics were allowed to be terribly racist. Now in the newey timey days, comics are allowed to be racist ONLY if they are disguising it as irony. True story, people.
Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon. Gross. It’s not gross because she’s 38 and he’s 27. I don’t judge age differences. It’s gross because Nick Cannon is a tool. There is this Christian website: www.rockforlife.org and Nick Cannon used to be listed as a “Pro-Life Entertainer”. You bitches know how I feel about abortion….I LOVE IT! So generally I am not a fan of people who are anti-choice. I hope Mariah isn’t anti-choice. I especially hate it when women take a stand against abortion….It really makes me wonder. I guess chics who are anti-choice must NEVER go out and get drunk with strangers. Good for them. If you have some free time and you get a kick out of crazy Christians then take a look at that rock for life website. They also list all of the “Pro-abortion Entertainers”…It is a hoot! If you want to know more about the marriage of Nick Cannon and Ms. Mariah Carey then read this shizz:
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gZD2gFHJ_y9LbxVKC7og3Cu_IvRQD90HEEHG0
Don’t forget to watch 30 Rock tonight! It is the season finale. Here is a clip of classic Alec Baldwin on the show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_HvfIB8NEk&feature=related
Finally, I did a show in West Virginia last night at The Mountaineer Casino and Resort. It was great fun. I got to work with two very talented comics out of NYC:
- Carmen Lynch: www.carmenlynch.com
- Pat Dixon: www.comedianpatdixon.com
They were very funny and smart. Check out their shit please!
While I was in WV, I was reminded of one of my favorite movies: The Silence of the Lambs. I just kept thinking of one scene in particular:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0Zlpaj_Qbk
I love Anthony Hopkins and I love you. Thanks for reading the blog today. All this writing and thinking has made me tired…I need a nap.
DON’T FORGET THIS SATURDAY AT SLAPSTICKS COMEDY LOFT AT 8PM
UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY NIGHT
$10/TICKET OR $12 /PAIR OF TICKETS
Hillary WINS North Carolina!
Posted on May 7, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Well, that’s what I’m reporting.
In other news, American Idol was as sucky as I thought it would be last night. You know that it’s a bad night when my favorite performer is David “Moncheechee” Archuleta. He reminds me of the character Neal from the movie Dead Poets Society. I don’t think he can handle this dark and twisted World for much longer. Despite his suicidal tendencies, he sang the hell out of Stand By Me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6gTwm7srHA .
The worst performance of the night came from the fake stoner kid, Jason Castro. If he were a real stoner then I would be all about his ass, but he’s not. He sings in a Christian Rock Band (which there is nothing wrong with that, but come on, bitch doesn’t use drugs. There is nothing wrong with not using drugs. Everyone knows that “users are losers” but Jason Castro acts like a stoner and that’s annoying). Anyway, check out this crappolla performace of Bob Marley’s I Shot the Sheriff (I told you that he’s a poser stoner…):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0wglOSZ8BE&feature=related
I still think that David Cooke should win the competition. He does have a brother with CANCER! I wasn’t very impressed with either of his performances yesterday, but if I had to pick a favorite…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwtmWTGwnyM
As for Syesha…I think that it’s time to pack your bags, beeyatch. Teeny bopper girls from all over the country are doing the majority of the voting and Syesha, sadly, you don’t have a penis. Syesha, you’re like the Hillary Clinton of this competition…Your vagina is ruining your odds. Syesha’s best performance? Proud Mary, bitches:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaWEldEOxiU
However, Syesha’s performance of Proud Mary pales in comparison to Danny Noreiga’s version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LxwJw8sT4E
If only Danny Noreiga had made it into the Top 12…He would have been the first ACTUAL gay American Idol contestant (which I know sounds redundant), and that would have been friggin awesome. Sadly, I think Danny’s rendition of Tainted Love freaked out Middle America:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMH8BHnpApc
In the words of Bud Galovich (a.k.a. Grandpa), He sure did “gay it up” on that diddy. I don’t care though. I still love you Danny. Maybe the powers at be with the Pittsburgh Pride Parade could get Danny Noriega to be the Grand Marshall? I know that would mean putting C-List celebrities like Tiffany and Bruce Vilanch on the back burner so it probably won’t happen. Oh well.
Speaking of Kennywood, did any of you read this article in the Post-Gazette today?
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08128/879582-42.stm
You did? Good. Did it make you want to stick a screw-driver into your right temple too?
Anyone read Drudge today? Did you see this shizz?
http://technology.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/tech_and_web/article3883082.ece
We are all about to become robotronic, y’all!
Okay, that’s all for today. I’ve got a Bowl Appetit to eat…
——————————————————————————-
DON’T FORGET THIS SATURDAY AT 8PM AT SLAPSTICKS COMEDY LOFT:
UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY NIGHT
FEATURING COMICS:
- mO MOZUCH
- GREG GERKIN
- SEAN RUSH
- MITCH MEKULSIA
AND NATURALLY, I WILL BE PEFORMING TOO (AS THE TOKEN VAGINA).
TICKETS ARE $10 AT THE DOOR OR TWO TICKETS FOR $12.
SEE YOU THERE, HOMIES!
Big Day, Baby Girl!
Posted on May 6, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Well, it’s another big day in the life of Hillary Clinton. In fact, on behalf of everyone who is supporting the Clinton Campaign I would like to give a big round of applause and kisses to the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. You wild and crazy guy! I love to hear you talk! You say the best stuff: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617eK2XIaLk&feature=related ! Seriously. I actually agree with some of the wack shizz that flies out of your mouth. In fact, I would support Barry much more if he stuck by your ass, but alas…He’s being a “politician”. That nutty Barry…
In other news…My good friend Shane Portman now has a website: www.shaneportman.com
Shane is a very witty and kind autobot who loves children and snow. You should visit his site often while sipping on hot cocoa and wearing silk pajamas that were once your grandmother’s. Shane likes that sort of thing. ( Shane got his website as a mother’s day gift from his domestic life partner Ruth. Ruth was all like, “I’ll buy Shane a mother’s day present so he’ll buy me a baby” and Shane was all like, “A mother’s day present? A website, you say? Cook my Bowl Appetite, wench!”).
North Carolina, Indiana…Blabbity blee blabbity blah! What about American Fucking Idol, y’all? That right! Tonight is the night! The final four singers battle it out to see who will become the next AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you bitches pumped? No? Me either. This is the suck, suck, suckiest Top Four in the history of American Idol. If David Cooke doesn’t win I may loot. For real. I know a lot of you bitches readers don’t really care for AI (AI is code for American Idol–A little reality television jargon for your asses), but you should dammit! What? Are you too busy? Are you fucking saving Darfur or some shit that you don’t have time to watch Jason Castro warble on AI? No. You are just being lazy. I am trying to help educate you assholes so when you go to work and you’re having lunch with one of your mouth-breathing co-workers you know what the hell they are talking about, capice? So anyway, I am going to post my favorite performance of each of the remaining contestants below. I then want you to watch each of the clips, pick a favorite contestant, kill a clown and then post a comment on my blog explaining in detail which contestant you think should win the competition.
- David Archuleta: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIuMcL4Kz44
- Jason Castro: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2nRxKC-OyA
- David Cooke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw6S0RvXByw
- Syesha Mercato: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcORxFcbxzQ
Okay people, you have a lot of homework to do tonight. Between the election coverage, Shane’s new website and AI…You are all going to be “busy, busy, busy”. I want your reports on my blog by 8PM tomorrow.
Go Hillary!!!!!
I Love a Man Who Can Laugh at Himself…
Posted on May 5, 2008
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I had insomnia the other night and I was watching Clay Aiken clips on YouTube for hours upon hours. I really wanted to see Clay’s performance of “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, but I could only find the 2 minute version w/o the Judge’s responses which did nothing for me. Anyway, I came across a couple of Clay’s appearances on the Jimmy Kimmel Show and I was really impressed. Despite the fact that Jimmy Kimmel mocked Clay mercilessly about being gay the whole time that he was on American Idol didn’t stop Clay from coming on Jimmy’s show and laughing about the whole situation. There were two clips in particular that made me laugh. The first clip inlcudes a video that Clay made for Jimmy of his new girlfriend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTN746IjlvM&feature=related
The second clip includes a video of Clay Aiken beating the hell out of Jimmy Kimmel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Q9sf30cpbY&feature=related
If you’re not a Clay fan then watching these YouTube clips would probably suck ass for you, but if you are a Clay fan then please enjoy.
A Few Things…
Posted on May 1, 2008
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First of all, Ms. Brooke White was voted off of American Idol last night. I don’t know about you guys, but I thought that it was about time. Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE Brooke. She seems like the sweetest person who has ever lived, but her voice…Eh. Now I have been watching American Idol since it’s first season (when Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini “captured” our hearts), and I have NEVER seen a contestant cry as much as Brooke White did over being eliminated. If you don’t believe my ass then check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s11gmKKpw_0 I think she must be a freaking mental case…Who cries like that? Now that she’s off of the show, I hope that she can return to her daily cocktail of Paxil and Prosac.
In other news, our bathrooms at work are being remodeled. Now I have mentioned in the past that I work for CBS Radio (which isn’t very interesting). However what I do find interesting is that the guys who are working on the bathrooms will only listen to WDVE (which is not owned by CBS). So every time I walk out into the hallway Neil Young is blaring and it cracks my shit up. I know it’s not that funny, but if you knew how weird the people in this building can be about competing radio stations then you might chuckle too. Especially if you were as apathetic as me. Good ol’ Neil… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq0tAoO3-xQ
I guess that’s all I have for today, y’all. I was supposed to have a show last night at the Improv with RAW COMEDY Productions, but it was cancelled because there were only 10 audience members. LAME. I’m pretty bummed too because I have three new jokes that I really need to work out. I may have to stop at some acoustic open mic night next week to work out this shit…Any suggestions?
Bye Bitches! Don’t forget to watch 30 Rock tonight! Support Tina Fey! Here is a link to a 30 Rock Highlight video someone posted on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1HOcXzCncM (Rose, it includes the classic line “You need to start brushing your teeth young man”.)
I spend too much time on YouTube, huh?
Peace-out.
Paula Abdul is Losing Her Shit…For Real This Time!
Posted on April 30, 2008
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This (to me) was one of the best things that I have EVER seen on American Idol. We all know that Paula is a drunk, but this was priceless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AdL_wjdq_8&feature=bz301
Enjoy!
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